"...but choosing one meant losing all the rest"

"I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor,... and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America,... and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet."      -Sylvia Plath 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

| february & march |

Making decisions about the future is absolutely terrifying. Well, for me it is, anyway.  There's always so much to consider.

I was debating on how long I wanted to teach, if it's what I really wanted to do for the rest of my life, if I was going to be stuck here in Utah forever, if I should move.... and the list goes on and on. If any of you have dealt with anxiety or depression you know that these are normal thoughts about life that everyone has and deals with, but the anxiety and depression spins it out of control in your mind and consumes you.  You feel like your drowning; you're almost to the surface, you can see the light break through the water and you're trying so hard to reach it.  You'll get close, but something is pulling you back down.

We really don't need to get that deep into it, but after a few weeks of that torture I was just done with it. I had some good friends to talk to, and I just really had to figure some stuff out.
I have to do what makes me happy, but then I always consider what other people want me to do, what people I might leave behind, will I be missing out on something else that's better? What if I make a huge mistake and regret my decisions?  There's so many branches to consider in life. So many paths. One decision can alter everything. And quite honestly, I don't really know what I want.  

I know I want to travel and possibly get out of Utah for a little bit.

I want to take full advantage of my twenties, and I forget to do that A LOT.

I don't know if I want to get married. I know I don't want to any time soon (I'm only 24), but I wonder if I'll really care that much if it doesn't happen.

I even consider whether I want to have children or not one day.  It's not something I'm even close to thinking about right now, but sometimes I think about where I'll be in ten years and I'm not sure I see kids there.

Does that make me selfish? I don't think so, but other people- family- might.

Should I find somewhere to live permanently? Some people think I should, but I'm just too restless. I'm not ready to settle yet. 

But that's okay, I think.

I grew up in a place where it was the norm and almost expected to get married young, have children young, and settle down young. Having a family was considered to be at the top of the priority list. I'm not saying it's wrong if you get married young, it works for some people, but not every person. It doesn't work for me.

See what I mean? Crazy.  Stressful.  A quarter-life crisis is real, you guys. That is just a snippet of what goes through my mind. It's gotten much better, though. I've started figuring some stuff out. The rest will come later.

-C

for more info/stories/advice about anxiety & depression:

How to talk to someone who has depression

Living with anxiety (article)

Surviving Anxiety  (article)

bloggity blog

I am probably the world's worst blogger.  Like, let's be honest, this blog has no real point. But, I have friends who are pretty awesome at blogging. I mean, they blog about everything. Which makes their blogs actually worth reading. Anyway, because of this, my friend Kris and I decided to have a "blog & wine" night. Basically, she could catch up on her blogging and I could drink wine and blog about something.
This just happens to be that something.


Let's just make this post about the last month or so.  Here's the last month of my life. January flew by and February seems to be going just as fast.  I'm kind of excited to load up on treats from my students this Valentine's Day. Because quite frankly, Valentine's Day sucks really bad.

January & some February in photos.

January 18th// Joshua James at Urban Lounge

Drawings from students // it looks just like me

Park City adventures with the sister

unfortunately we didn't find any famous people at Sundance

 My kitty cat. 

Lucy is adorable when she's not being crazy.

Tonight

wine & blogging with Kris

hello twenty fourteen

Happy New Year, everyone! You made it through another year, congratulations.
Looking back on the last year, I've realized it's definitely been a pretty big one. I made some really big changes, and have done some growing up.

| highlights of 2013 // (i like lists) |
>> student teaching
>> graduation
>> moving to SLC
>> getting a teaching job.. an actual CAREER
>> buying a new car

....damn, I'm such an adult.

I brought in the New Year with some really great friends. The three of us wandered about downtown SLC and brought in the new year at EVE at the Salt Palace. Coming from someone who has a history of pretty bad New Year's Eves, this one was actually quite spectacular. We had a few drinks, wandered around downtown, and made it just in time for the countdown--complete with fireworks.  I'd say it was one of the best New Year's Eves I've had. Thanks, ladies :)

>> all pictures taken from Kristina's phone<<

Kris & Kristen 

oh, photobombers... you suck.

Right after the countdown. Welcome to twenty fourteen

I'm really no good at keeping New Year's resolutions, but I have made some goals to {hopefully} better myself.

| goals for 2014 |

>> TRAVEL.... go to at least one place I've never been before.

>> Be more organized

>> try to find a balance between work & play

>> Exercise 3-4 times a week

>> Cook more

They seem doable enough. We shall see though. 

I wish a happy & healthy new year to you all!

may your days be merry & bright

December has come and gone so fast. Isn't it still November? Seriously, I blinked and it was gone. Which is unfortunate, because I didn't get to do a lot of Decembery things I like to do; like drive around and find the most trashy, horrible Christmas lights. (Sadly, this really is a favorite thing of mine to do).
I love Christmas time, and each year it seems that it just passes even more quickly. I might have to start my December-fun list in November. Luckily, my job is better than your's and I am on Winter break until the week after New Year's. It is definitely much needed. I need time off to miss my students, that way I won't want to scream when I go back to work.

Now time for some New Year's Eve partying, 2013 life reflections, and 2014 plan-making.

>> december, 2013; via instagram <<

snow//icicles of death//

wandering around the SLC

annual friendsmas party//

Classic cinematic adventures with team Kris & Kris

we saw White Christmas

absolutely SPOILED by my students

I kinda miss them

//

super awesome cup from Adri. 

Santa & I go way back 

(seriously, he was my softball coach for like 4 years) 

//

Once again, Jess Day knows my life

I got this sweet little kitty for Christmas!

Her name is Lucy.

She likes to cuddle when she sleeps

She likes movies

She's a weirdo

and I kinda like her

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

I hope you all enjoyed your holiday, no matter what you believe in,  and that you were able to spend it with loved ones

I'm grateful that I was able to.

| t h a n k f u l |

I'm only a week late on the Thanksgiving post.
And I'd say that's pretty dang good considering I blog once every couple months.

Anyway, because of the time of year, I've been reflecting a lot lately on my life and I came to the realization that (for the most part) I'm pretty content with life right now. Which is pretty amazing for me.
I'm starting to see hard work pay off. And for someone who has always hard time with patience and usually wanting instant gratification, it was a big deal for me.

So, here's a lil' list of things that I'm extremely grateful for this year.

1. My Family- the big, mushy part.

I know, I know, everyone just has the best family don't they? But seriously, you guys, mine is the best. I can't even begin to say how grateful I am for them. I will also say that not living at home for the last year or so has only made me appreciate them more. I have a great relationship with my parents, I actually consider my siblings to be friends, and I gained a new sister this year.  My family is so incredibly supportive, especially my parents. I can't tell you how much they have helped me and taught me. With out them, I honestly would be lost. Because of my parents, I feel like I can pretty much do anything I set my mind to and I know that I can always go them when I need it.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

2. Friends-
the TV show.


seriously, the TV show.


Okay, I'm kidding.

 If I believed in soul mates,

 I wouldn't believe it to be  romantic or a man that I'd marry and be with forever, 

I'd believe it to be this girl

These loves. Miss you, Scotty.

The fantastic foursome. 

These girls are mine and Adri's other half. 

They've helped us survive the SLC move and made it amazing.

Any friends who will take a BMW pic are friends you keep.

These girls have been with me since the beginning.

I have many wonderful people in my life.  I have made some wonderful friends this year, and I still cherish the friendships I've had for years. It's amazing how people can influence your life. Just knowing that someone else cares for you, likes the sames things as you, and laughs at the same things as you, it makes life a lot easier.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

3. My Job & my kids-sorry, my students

When I say that I've seen my hard work pay off, this is what I mean. After 5 years of schooling that I didn't think would end, many tears, and having worked the hardest I EVER have in my entire life, I finally see the pay off.
I got my teaching degree and a job that I love.  I don't know how I feel about things being "meant to be," or "fate," but I absolutely, 100%, for the first time ever, can say that I feel like I am supposed to be at this school. Maybe it's just good luck and I happened to find a great fit for me, but I feel like I belong there. My principal has told me the same thing.

I know I said that I worked my ass off and school was hard, but NOTHING prepared me for actually getting out there and having my own class and teaching. NOTHING. The last 3 and a half months has been the most emotionally and mentally exhausting, absolute, hardest months of my life. I can't count the times I have wanted to quit. Or how many times I've cried on the way home (or during lunch and recess). Teaching is a time consuming and life consuming profession. It is also extremely rewarding. I have troubled students. I have a hard class. Every single day is a struggle. I have 30 little people that I care for and am responsible for everyday. Sometimes I want to hug them, sometimes not so much. But I wouldn't trade them for the world.
How can I complain when I can say I like my job and actually feel like I'm doing something worthwhile?

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

I finally feel like things are paying off. I can afford things like a new car. I can provide for myself. I can FINALLY plan trips I have always wanted to take. I can go on all the adventures I want.
For someone who typically has a more cynical outlook on life, who struggles with depression and anxiety on a daily basis, and who has had years from hell... to feel this way about my life is extremely incredible. I'm going to do my best to not take it for granted.

"life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans"

I've kind of always had a plan. Or at least a general life-outline.

Work.

Go to college.
Graduate.
Get a job.
Move out of Utah County.

So I had a pretty basic 5-year plan when I started college, it made life a bit easier for me if it was set out in front of me. My decisions were made, now this is what I had to do. I always had a vision, an end goal.

 If you know me at all, I tend to be a planner. I like knowing what's going to happen next or having something to work towards. Once I've checked off one thing, I move to the next.

See, I never added anything to that plan after graduating college. School was my biggest obstacle, my biggest focus, and it was hard to see anything past that for 5 years. After I graduated, I focused most of my time and energy on finding a job. What good was that degree I worked so hard on getting if I didn't do anything with it?

I finally found a job and put all my time and effort into that. I moved out of Utah County and settled into that part of my life plan.

Lately, I've been like, "well, now what?" 

I realized I have no plan.

Nothing.

I mean, I have these long term dreams that I might work towards one day, like moving out of Utah, but that is in the far distant future.

I don't have a 5 year plan.

I don't even have a 1 year plan.

The most I've got so far is that I'll probably teach at the school I'm at for around 5 years, or at least I hope so.

Right now, nothing is certain in my future. 

It used to be that if I did what I was supposed to, I would graduate college.  That was guaranteed. 

Now, I have absolutely no idea what to plan for or do.

The possibilities are endless, really. Which is both liberating and absolutely terrifying.

The only thing tying me down to anything is my job.  Everything else is up in the air.

But maybe I don't have to have a plan. Maybe I'll just have to live life and make it up as I go and just hope for the best.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

"There are so many adventures you miss because you're waiting to think of a plan..." 

lately...

October was a busy month. A fun month, but a busy one.
Halloween is my favorite holiday, and there were plenty of Halloween festivities this year.  The only thing I failed at was never watching Hocus Pocus.  I know, how horrible of me.

I also went to my future home, Eugene, Oregon. I didn't take a lot of pictures, but trust me when I say it is absolutely gorgeous. One of my favorite places I've ever been.

Eugene, OR//2013

>>new friend, Sarah, & best friend Sam<<

Halloween fun

|costume #1: flapper girl|

|costume #2: Batman/woman|

Birthday Celebrations

 >>Happy Birthday to this beautiful lady<<

>>frouples unite<<

To finish out October, my car, Penelope, had some struggles and died last weekend. It was a very sad occasion. She has got me where I need to go for the last 5 years.  We've had many trips to St. George & Las Vegas. She also took us to California and back. I'm pretty sure there is still sand wedged in strange places in that car from that trip. My sweet Penelope, you will be missed. 

It seems that my life has decided to fully change and embrace this new chapter, so it was inevitable that my car would go too.  So along with moving to Salt Lake and starting a career, lets add "getting a big girl car" to that list too. (So not looking forward to car payments).

So here is my new baby, she hasn't been named yet, although I think I'm leaning towards calling her Betty White.