Sunday, October 6, 2013

following your dreams is hard.

My best friend of 10 years lives in another state.  We go months, literally months, with out talking.  When we do contact each other, whether its been 2 weeks or 4 months, it feels like nothing has changed.
Like we are still 14 years old, listening to The Killers in our bedroom or watching Moulin Rouge on a Friday night.
Like we still live blocks, not states, away from each other.
Even though we haven't seen each other in over a year, it'll only feel like it's been a few days when I go to visit her next week.

I guess that's how I always thought growing up would be like.

I could move away and have this new, somewhat different life, but things would still be the same. I'd still be the same.

I guess I never anticipated how much things could change.  How even living an hour away from my hometown could be such a big change.

I feel like I'm caught between my childhood and adulthood.  I didn't think that it could feel weird to go back and visit my hometown and have it not necessarily feel like it's where I would call "home" anymore.  But I don't feel like where I am now is necessarily my "home" either.

I didn't think that moving away like I always wanted to and starting a career would make my past feel like this other part of me or that relationships would change or that I would change.

I didn't know I could feel so off-balance and out of place, but also feel so completely free and independent.

Maybe growing up is not necessarily letting your childhood go, maybe it's just knowing that it will always be a part of you and can still be a part of your life, but still allowing yourself to become the person you want to be. Allowing yourself to be who you really are, not someone else's idea of who you are or should be.

Maybe it's just accepting when you make a big change like a move or a career, that a lot of other things are going to change too. And somehow you've just got to find a way to be content with it all.

And realizing that not having all the answers is how it's supposed to be, no matter how hard it is.

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